Monday, January 5, 2009

Things I Would Not Do If I Were a Bachelor Contestant...

There are certain shows I love to hate... and the Bachelor is a contender for the #1 slot. Right next to the Hills. And every season, as the new chicas strut out of the limo, there are often times I think, I would never do that... so here's my list. Inspired by years of torture and ABC-inspired love. 

If I were a contestant on the Bachelor, I would not do the following...
  • Chant and/or cheer the boy's name while in the limo to meet him
  • Sing a song of any sort
  • Break out an old show choir dance or hip hop routine
  • Do gymnastics after drinking champagne
  • Say that I'm from Chicago... because all the crazy, drunk girls are from Chicago... hmmm..
  • Wear an animal print dress
  • Talk about my cat...actually I probably would
  • Discuss death, religion, politics... basic social rules that are clearly disregarded when 25 girls compete for one guy
  • Do body shots
  • Leave a perfectly good piece of cake outside on the porch to melt just to listen to crazy Chris unveil ABC's latest creative surprise that's sure to disappoint after all the hype and commercials... icecream cake never disappoints
  • Be the girl who starts the first caddy fight
  • Claim that I'm a hotdog vendor or "socialite"... 
  • Lecture the group on anything... they really don't care
  • Resign from my job to be on the show
  • Admit to cyber stalking the bachelor 
  • Constantly talk about the Bachelor as my future husband... after meeting him for the first time
  • Use Bachelor cliches like "our connection"... "love at first sight"... "if it wasn't meant to be"..."i'm ready to meet the love of my life," "i deserve my happy ending," "man of my dreams..." etc.
  • Get vaneers put in the week before the show...and possibly a boob job... to ensure I'm pearly and perky for all of America to admire
  • Make crazy killer faces at the other girls during the rose ceremony... i mean, do you forget that you're on a TAPED reality show??
  • Be a member of the Hart family, because my mom would disown me
What I would do is...
  • Give the Bachelor SPAM as a welcome present... what's a better conversation starter?? Not to mention the free publicity... could i count those impressions in the wrap report??
  • Twirl him... because that's what I do...
  • Nervously laugh
  • Make a goofy face in my glamour shot for the "deliberation" room...
  • Make him woo me.... which would inevidently get me kicked off the show...
What about you? Do you think you could do it? If you could, what would you do? What wouldn't you do?


DML on January 6, 2009 at 10:43 AM said...

you should probably wear sweatpants and a fanny pack too!

Katie B. on January 6, 2009 at 8:19 PM said...

you are DEAD ON, I couldn't believe the animal print dress!

Cristy on January 7, 2009 at 12:11 AM said...

You forgot write a poem...every year there's always one.

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