Faux-Bias?!

As a city-dweller, there is a lot I am randomly, and sometimes irrationally, scared of... Getting beat up at 5 p.m. while running just so someone can steal my Ipod. Getting flashed by perverts on the bus/El. Terrorists attacking downtown landmarks that surround my office building. Food poisoning at the Weiner Circle. More than 10 striped shirt guys in one bar. Valid concerns. Valid fears.

So given that I'm, for the most part, a rational person, I've never understood people who are scared of relationships. I get being scared to be in a relationship if you're thinking of dating an ex-convict... or maybe someone who looks like someone who was on America's Most Wanted... or even someone scandalous like your roommate's ex, co-worker, or, even more stupid, a client...

But it's those people who dramatically say things like, "I love you, but can't be with you..." who make no sense to me. To me that's like denying yourself a glass of red wine after a long day of work... or changing the channel during your favorite show... or turning down a free trip to the Bahamas in the middle of winter... all for no good reasons.

Unfortunately this phobia is rapidly turning into a city-wide epidemic among 20-something boys.... One. by. one.

And so, in honor of those relationship-phobes, I've mapped out a few more ridiculous fears to add to the WTF list. And my diagnosis.

• Arachibutyrophobia - Fear of peanut butter sticking to the top of your mouth (Who doesn't have this fear?!)
• Cacophobia - Fear of ugliness (Totally mom's fault... probably told them they were an ugly child...)
• Chirophobia - Fear of hands (Watched Edward Scissorhands one too many times?)
• Ombrophobia - Fear of being rained on ('I'm meelllltttiinnnggg')
• Logophobia - Fear of words (I have nothing to say about that)
• Geliphobia - Fear of laughter (Clowns... enough said)
• Gamophobia - Fear of weddings (Commitment issues... or they were poisoned by wedding cake... or forced to do the Chicken Dance one too many times)
• Chromophobia- Fear of bright colors (Eye problems??)
• Pentheraphobia - Fear of mother-in-laws (Ha! Too many Lifetime movies entitled, 'The Perfect Mother' or something similar)
• Botanophobia - Fear of houseplants (Little Shop of Horrors. Plants are nothing to laugh about... especially the man-eating ones)

Any other big ones I missed? I couldn't find the word for fear of exposed mattresses... but of course, Cristy, that is an excellent, and valid, concern.