Friday, February 6, 2009

Future Through the Eyes of Facebook

This morning, my friends and I got to talking about former flames... or wanted-to-be flames...reunited through Facebook. There were a lot of different stories, but as a whole, one common thread... they were all extremely disappointing, realistic and, most importantly, ridiculously hilarious.

Because I found myself laughing out loud at these stories... (with their permission) I had to share.

Incident #1:
"So, not only do I continue to find it strange that my dad is on Facebook, and actually updates his status every now and then (ex. "XYZ just finished his taxes and is feeling just fine." What?), but this morning I came into work to find out that the first boy who I ever creepily loved/stalked/obsessed about in high school wants to be my friend.

I've seen him on Facebook before, but I never wanted to request his friendship, because I didn't want him to think I was still obsessed with him 12 years later (because naturally that would be his first thought, I'm sure :)). So, just seeing this guy's name brought back all sorts of creepy memories of the things I used to do to make him notice me:

*He was my mom's student, so I would volunteer to help her grade papers just so I could read his essays, so I could learn about his favorite food, sports, etc. 
*I thought it was fate when our lockers ended up next to each other sophomore year, and began planning the names of our children shortly thereafter
*I took up an interest in golf, since he was an all-state golfer. Interestingly, this turned out well since it turns out I actually really liked golf and wasn't half bad at it.
*I memorized his class schedule so that I could see him all. the. time.
*Instead of actually doing homework in the library, I would sit in front of my locker and do it before/after school, you know, just in case he was around.

Ummm. Fatal Attraction, anyone? Seriously, how did this guy not get a restraining order from me????

Anyway... no real reason for this e-mail except seeing this blast-from-the-past on Facebook sort of made me feel all giddy and awkward like a freshman in high school all over again."

10 minutes later....

"To add to the random e-mail below... I just "friended" this former high-school crush... and of course, analyzed his photos. Excellent news - he is longer hot thanks to a patch of unfortunate chest hair peeking out of his shirt, as well as a creepy smile that says, "i had way too much fun in college with many loose woman and too much booze, and I plan to stay this way until I'm 45."

Incident #2

"Speaking of Facebook randoms, my old next door neighbor, who I had a huge crush on asked to be my friend yesterday!!! He was just a year older than me, but since he went to public school, he seemed way more mature than the catholic school girl I was. I remember watching and waiting for him to go outside and play basketball with his friends. As soon as they were shooting hoops, after about 5 minutes (gotta play it cool), I would in turn go start showing my b-ball moves in my driveway. I always prayed that one day they would see my skills and ask me over to join in. Sad to say, not once.

So since we went to different high schools and I moved to a different street, I thought I would never see him again. Who knew that one day we would be Facebook friends, and I would find out he's married to an older woman and gained about 100 lbs."

Incident #3

"I too had that sort of experience. He was so dreamy - golden blonde hair, bright blue eyes, great baseball player's body (well, for an 8th grader anyway!)! We had all our classes together, lockers next to each other. His baseball team even shared a dugout (quasi) with my softball team bc we played for the same league (yes, i, the uncoordinated and athletically-challenged friend actually played softball. I wasn't half bad!). I thought it was fate. 

My best friend Marissa lived down the street from him, so what did we do EVERY weekend? and i seriously mean, every. We'd have a slumber party at her house Friday night after the games, then really early Saturday morning (when he was getting up for his morning run before practice of course), we would put on our cutest "work out" outfits... which consisted of Abercrombie t-shirts and Nike running shorts and our Vans sneakers... and casually and oh-so-inconspicuously run by his house. Over and over. We never went anywhere else in their huge neighborhood, just around and around his cul de sac.

He never said anything, but we were convinced we'd see him one day. And then it happened, one Monday at school, he asked me why I always run around his street and never go anywhere. I was mortified! To make matters worse, Marissa ended up subsequently kissing...and long-term dating... him!!

He actually ended up working with one of my fellow sorority sisters, so I would see him out occasionally that summer after we all graduated college. He tried to hit on me one time at Humphrey's, and sadly, I was not impressed. Damn.

We are FB friends now. He's engaged and doing his thing... apparently trying to work off his beer belly for the upcoming nuptuals. From the look sof his pics, that battle is not going so well."

So the question is.... should we just leave the past in the past? Why taint these memories of perfection/obsession with reality?

Did the image any other former flames get smothered by Facebook??? Do tell...


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