New Years Resolution Flop

It's January 7. My New Year's resolution was to make my crazy hairball cat lose 1 pound. Just one...

However...turns out, in just a couple weeks, she went from crazy cat to INSANE cat on a diet.

Given that I have a cold that even Sudafed Nighttime won't help, last night I did not appreciate getting woken up not once, but TWICE, by little nails scratching at my nicest piece of grown-up furniture. Once at 3 a.m. Once at 5 a.m.

Of course she doesn't choose to scratch the hand-me-down end table that I've had since college. She chooses the dresser I just bought this summer.

This is her passive-aggressive way of saying, "You won't feed me? Fine. You won't sleep either, biatch... ha. ha. HAHAHA! (insert evil laugh)"

Ugh... I'm about to get her nails removed, but everytime I mention that at the vet, they practically turn into PETA activists and question my morals. What about my options?! My sleep?! My furniture?! My SANITY?!

So screw this resolution. I'm about to let her be happy and obese. I mean... she doesn't have a lot of perks in her little furry life... Why take away her little cup of dried, processed happiness?!

That's all... Any advice, fellow cat owners?